Tag Archives: mother

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Our Children came from us but they are not us!

Our Children came from us but they are not us!

Don’t cut your child’s wings because of your dreams and aspirations. Your dreams are yours. Their dreams are theirs! As parents we are here to Guide, Cultivate & Support their dreams!

The Late Rev. Dr. Mary A. Tumpkin taught me many things during the 20 years that she was my Spiritual Teacher. One of the lessons that I received, and understood without much studying was: My two girls, Nie and Cat came from me but they are not mine. GOD sent them here for a reason; GOD put within them EVERYTHING they needed in order to fulfill their Destiny. GOD has a plan for them and I have no right to tell them who they should become.

I guided them into activities and they selected the activities which made their Hearts soar. Nie is an actress by birth. Is in her blood, and though a lot of people would disagree with their child following an acting career, my thought was, that is what makes her happy.

Cat is a speaker, a writer, a spinner. She might be a lawyer, she might be a writer, she might be a journalist, she might be an activist, she might even be a Politian. These are things I see in her, but never will I influence her (only guide) on who she will be in life.

Parents, it is not our job to divert our children’s dreams. Our job is to guide them, to show them their options, and ultimately, only our children can make that the decision.

Parenting with Wisdom,

Coach Arthur
Certified Professional Life Coach
http://www.niecatlifecoaching.com

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First Mothers’ Day without Mom!

Mother_s_Day

As I ponder upon the title of this blog, I decided to request the expertise of the BEST Elementary School in the Entire Universe. I have the honor to assist in leading The BEST Teachers and Staff who make their jobs their lives. They impact their students’ life on a daily basis without the thought of their pay checks, their working conditions or how their evaluation will impact their career. They concentrate on the students and give them their all knowing that working without parent participation is sometimes a way of life with us. They put forth maximum effort knowing that not having parent participation can negatively impact their evaluations because without parent participation student achievement is extremely challenging!
I asked my faculty one single question, if you had a friend who lost their mother and this will be the first Mother’s day without their Mom, what would you tell them? The answers were very interesting, sometimes simply sharing from the Heart and their Experiences!
Here are some of the answers I received:

MM
There is no right or wrong way to handle MY Mother’s Day. It is a difficult day for any mother to face without her child or for any child to face without their mother. Some people may find it helpful to go away on a mini-weekend trip, totally avoiding any church services, special meals, or family gatherings that they feel will be too hard to attend. While difficult to experience, allowing yourself to grieve is very important and what has helped me. Do not be afraid to deviate from the norm of tradition and make this a day of new beginnings if this is what you feel is right for you. Some mothers and children find comfort in choosing to do something special in memory of their loved one such as take a walk in a quiet place, read a special poem, or even release a balloon in memory of their mother or child. Many choose to use Mother’s day as a special day to plant a flower or a tree in memory of the person who has died. Seeing something growing is often a visible reminder of the ongoing love a mother and child have for each other. Some prefer to spend time “with their loved ones” by visiting gravesites, bringing flowers, and dedicating time to special memories. (I continue to do this almost every weekend).
Whatever you choose to do, remember not to set expectations too high for the day. Plan something that is healing for you, but realize that you will still experience a wide range of emotions. Grief is exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, so be sure to eat nutritious foods for the day, hydrate yourself with lots of fluids, and allow yourself time to rest and be replenished. Grief work is hard work – so acknowledge that and give yourself some extra care and attention.
By planning ahead for Mother’s Day, you will be better able to handle and manage the difficult emotions you are likely to experience on such a day of remembrance. Telling others that this is going to be a difficult day for you is also a good way of building a support system around you. Others can check in on you throughout the day, or provide support and comfort – or maybe just some company throughout the day. Be gentle with yourself; make allowances to do whatever makes you most comfortable on that day. I remember when I cried EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY! But, the minutes began to erase and I began to cry less and less. Now don’t get me wrong, I STILL CRY FOR MY MIMI!! But I can rest assure that GOD is by her side. Remember that while loss may never get easy, it can get easier. You will “get through it” and with that will come inner strength and a reserve of peace and joy!

BR:
It is very difficult as I don’t have my Mom, my friend, my confidant with me for quite some time. How I handle it is by thinking of all the good times, endless hours of conversations we had because like I said she was my confidant and my best friend. Even Mothers’ Day should be every single day of your life. You should honor your mother every day, every hour and every second. Now that she is gone I remember her with my heart full of LOVE and a little bit crumbled. I pray for her every day and ask God to keep her very close to him so she can continue to guide me from above. Mother’s day is a very important day for me.

GM:
When the enemy death strikes, be it your mother, father, or any other relative, your grief can be great, even though you may have hope in the resurrection. Abraham had faith his wife would live again, yet we read that “Abraham came in to bewail Sarah and to weep over her.” (Genesis 23:2) What about Jesus? When Lazarus died, he “groaned in the spirit and became troubled,” and shortly afterward he “gave way to tears.” (John 11:33, 35) So, when someone you love dies, it does not show weakness to cry, since death is our worst enemy.
Yet, because you have confidence in the resurrection, your sorrow will not be unrelenting. As the Bible says, you will “not sorrow just as the rest also do who have no hope.” (1 Thessalonians 4:13) Rather, you will draw close to God in prayer, and the Bible promises that “HE himself will sustain you.”—Psalm 55:22. This hope is like an anchor that will strengthen you during your time of grief.

RN
The only person I know that lost her mother before Mother’s Day is one of our cafeteria monitors; her mother died last night. I lost my mother when I was 9 years old and Mother’s day only became a happy occasion after I had my own daughter. Before my daughter was born I used to split the day going to my grandmothers’ house, 1/2 a day with one and the other 1/2 with the other. At first, I had no feelings but numbness, (I was there but not taking part) later on as time went by, the pain subsided and I joined the family in the celebrations, but more as a duty than a happy time, when I got my first Mother’s Day card and when my husband came with my daughter in his arms and a bunch of flowers, my Mother’s Day took a turn around, I felt happiness. I still remember my Mother but I can think of her as when she was alive, and feel in my heart that she has always been with me.

MS
The Title would be: “Remembering her LOVE, celebrating her life”
I know how it feels!
My Mother passed away on April 21, 2008. Three weeks before Mother’s day. I missed her and wish she was here every day of my life, but at the same time, if I truly believe that she sees me from above, I don’t want her to see me crying and depressed, and ruin my children’s Mother’s Day. So what do I do? I celebrate my Mother’s Life, sing her songs, cook her meals, love the same way she loved!!

XM
I will suggest to go to the cemetery, put a lot of beautiful flowers and be there for a long time talking with her, and let her know that she will be always be with them every day until they see each other again in front of God. Then, I would suggest spending the rest of the day with their children, and together remember the good time.

DH
This is a true experience for me!
When my best friend lost her mother I invited her to our family dinner/gathering every Mother’s Day. She did this for about 5 years until she started her own family. To this day, she reminds me how blessed I am to ‘Still’ have my mom alive and to never take her presence for granted.

MS
I would suggest to my friend to go to church in the morning and say a prayer for Mom and remind them that mom will always be with them in their heart and watching over the family in heaven. I will remind them that mom is in GOD’s hand and has found true Peace and Happiness.

SP
My mother made her transition on October 9, 2000. That day will forever be embedded within my soul. I had to realize that “getting through” was more than engaging in positive thoughts. Getting through also meant I had to pray without ceasing, leaving the results to GOD and releasing myself to be all right with GOD’s way and his timing. Getting through meant that I had to stand still long enough and often enough to know GOD was and is taking care of it all. My responsibility is simply to keep living my life in GOD’s presence. My simple prayers will get ME through my darkest days. Through GOD, through ME, my MOTHER’S spirit will live forever!
And so it is!

MC
I would suggest that on Mother’s Day do something that would honor Mom. For example if Mom loved the beach, celebrate Mother’s Day with a beach picnic to remember all the good times they had with her at the beach. If she was a gardener, plant flowers in their yard that day, so that when they water, prune it, weed it may make you feel closer to mom. If she was committed to social causes work at a soup kitchen, or if church and GOD were a driven force in her life, visit her church to praise her and thank her for being the angel that guides you and protects you daily. I feel that this way you would still be spending Mother’s Day sharing those things important to her.

ST
I would say to that person. I really feel your less. I lost a parent five years ago. Gather with your family members. Talk, share, remember the wonderful, great times you spent together. Celebrate your mother’s memory by preparing her favorite foods.

JH
Mothers are precious gifts from GOD. Mom might be gone in body, but her spirit lives on. Never give up with keeping her in your life, always remember to share with others, the most wonderful and sweetest memories of her. Keep her dear to your heart. Always find solace in the good things. Keep a positive attitude, try to live up to the values and morals that she instilled in you. If you are faithful to the end you will see mom again in the earth made new… so when Mother’s Day comes around, remember, keep mom in your heart, and cherish the many splendid memories you have of her…. And keep her legacy alive!!!

EW
Losing a mother is a difficult experience. As a mother I would want my children to celebrate the years we spent together and through their Christian upbringing they know I am still celebrating that day with them. The price we pay for having a mother is their death.

MR
Today…. Smile and thank GOD for all the special moments you shared with your mother. Strive to be the person she wanted you to be. Imitate those things you LOVED about her and you will be honoring her. You will one day see her again and she will be proud of you!

It was My Pleasures sharing these entries and I hope that these suggestions can lighten someone’s load.

Happy Mothers’ Day,
Coach Arthur
http://www.niecatlifecoaching.com

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Say YES to Your Teenager!

Say YES to Your Teenager!

I read a very interesting article in “One Tough Job.org” which shared guidelines on having a GREAT relationship with your teenager. I found the article very interesting and the strategies are ones that I have actually used during my parent life coaching sessions, so I wanted to share it with my readers.

Out of the gate, I must say that raising teens is an adventure that is manageable if you arm yourself with the proper tools.

It might look like your teen is not interested in what you are doing and specially what you are saying, but the TRUTH of the matter is that our teens need us now more than ever. Yes, they are busy and at this time in their lives their friends mean a lot to them, but remember, you are the parent, you have been there from the beginning of their time. Choosing to spend time with your teen and LISTENING without JUDGMENT is paramount. I don’t know how you feel about what you just read, you may need to take a deep breath because LISTENING & NON JUDGMENT is the key to a POSITIVE relationship with your teen.

There are 4 suggestions the article features to have a more positive relationship with your teen: Be actively interested in your teen’s life, Talk with your teen, not at them, Share things with your teen and Schedule in family time.

Be actively interested in your teen’s life – I heard a strategy that Our First Lady Michelle Obama uses with her girls and I immediately began using this strategy with mine girls. On the ride back from school I asked two questions, Share a rose with me from today’s experience and share a thorn with me from today’s experience. I found that when Cat got in the car, she was ready to share. In about 5 minutes I was able to gauge the type of day she had and she was happy to share. Become the Mom to their group. I was a Drama Mom, a Color Guard Mom, a Super Star Mom, whatever the girls were involved in, there I was in the mix of things. Some of their friends actually called me a cool Mom. I was the Mom giving rides to their friends whose parents were to busy to pick them up from whatever activities they were having. Needless to say NieCat were physically not happy about this, but I knew in their Hearts they appreciated me being there! Well, at least that is how I am telling the story! 🙂

Talk with your teen, not at them – I go back to one of my first blog post ever. Please remember what it was like being a teen! Stop preaching! When ALL you do is preach, your teen will tune you out. Have a discussion! LISTEN! Listen to what your teen says and actually give it some thought! Listen!

Share things with your teen – Share your past experiences. Let your teen know you were a teen once. My Girls use to LOVE to hear that I got in trouble with GrandPaPa! That would be the highlight of our conversations. Share what is going on right now with them. Explain to them why at this time you may not be able to pay for that $500 ring. Tell the TRUTH. They can handle it, and they will know you are Human! Sometimes our teens think we are not from this world!

Schedule in family time – The time you are experiencing now with your teen will NEVER come back! Choose to make time for your teens. Sometimes when I come home from a crazy day as a school administrator I have nothing else to give the world, so I invite the girls to my room (actually they just follow me to my room) and we all lay in my bed and talk. I am resting my body and my brain, I am listening to my Girls and that is considered family time! Visit them in their room, at your own Risk that is! Don’t criticize how junky and smelly their room is (I must work on this one), just be, see where the conversation leads you!

Our teens are enjoying a very challenging stage, as parents we MUST choose to do parenting differently to achieve teen parenting success!

Happy Teen Parenting,
Coach Arthur, Cerfified Professional Life Coach
http://www.niecatlifecoaching.com

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I Am A Life Coach – Coach Arthur

I Am A Life Coach - Coach Arthur

NieCat for a BETTER You – Mission Statement:
NieCat empowers parents, teens and clients alike to live a BETTER life by supporting, empowering, and motivating them to identify goals and develop plans to continue on their path towards self-improvement and self acceptance.

Forty-Days of a Peace Youth Symposium

peace-on-earth-islamOn Saturday, My Sorority (Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Inc.) had the Honor of hosting the 40 days of Peace Youth Symposium. We had over 300 individuals attend and many of them were young people.

We had a panel of experts speak to the young people. We had a pastor/professor/major of a city in Miami,  a Chief of Police for a local community college, a community college professor, a mother who after her child was murdered started  RJT Foundation, Inc.
“Women Supporting Families of Murdered Children” (please check out her website: www.rjtfoundation.com), and a pastor.

I listened as intently as I could possibly listen under the stress of thinking that I myself had to go up on stage at the end and also speak. One thing that I heard said time and time again is what I want to share here. I am sharing it because I heard this message over and over again, last week in different venues so I know I MUST share.

The main idea I heard at this symposium for our young people was,that  our thoughts create our experiences. There was one young lady who  asked how can she who lives in the inner city, who is confronted with violence at every turn, how can she have peace? How can she not retaliate when that is the world she lives in? The answer was the same. Just because you are surrounded by violence, doesn’t mean you have to be part of the violence.

I read this in a blog last week, well, this is my interpretation:

thoughts + feelings = manifestation.

I will ask parents to try this exercise for the next 40 days and reply to this blog to tell me how it worked out for you.  Consider this a Life Coaching FREE session: Reflect upon an area in your parental life you will like to change (ie: screaming excessively). Decide to think differently about screaming. Feel the feeling you will have when you are no longer in need to scream at your children. What does you not screaming look like to you? How does it feel like? What do you hear?

I can’t wait to hear from each and everyone of you that read this blog.

By the way, I decided that for the next 40 days I will not loose my Peace when it comes to my children! I am not going to get upset when they are listening to POP That Pandora and sing it, I have no clue on what they are saying and  that drives me NUTS! This is day two, so far so good!

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It is a cliche but it is true!

It is a cliche but it is true!

Parents, your children learn what they see you do, and what they hear you say to others, not what you tell them to do or to say!
When I have parent conferences I am often amazed how parents are shocked that their children lie! First, they tell me, my son/daughter NEVER lie!m After I reveal my investigation and my witnesses they come to the realization, that their child has lied. Often, they cry, don’t understand how it happened and sometimes, they just think I am the evil one and I have orchestrated this plot to get their child in trouble, because of course I don’t like their child and I have it in for them! This one happens more than I care to discuss.
Here is the thing parents, your children are looking at you very carefully!!! I just can stress this enough! They are watching you, they are listening to you, they are hanging on to your every ACTION. If you are lying to Auntie Ursula about why you didn’t call her, if you are lying to the bill collector about the payment being in the mail, if you are lying to the cashier that you don’t have enough money, if you are lying to the homeless person asking you for money on your way to the mall, guess what? Your baby girl/baby boy is internalizing ALL of that!
Stop lying in front of your children! Period!

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Parents as Role Models

Parents as Role Models

Being a role model is the most powerful form of educating.
Youngsters need good models more than they need critics.
It’s one of a parent’s greatest responsibilities and opportunities.
– John Wooden